‘My teen girlfriend has just declared she’d readily have sex with the entire Arsenal team. Should I ditch the whore?’

Jon, from Edmonton

Yes, but not because she’s a whore. Because she’s a bad-taste whore. It should be beautiful Liverpool that she’s willing to get a roasting for/from. Hope I’ve helped!

‘I’ve been seeing my 19-year-old girlfriend for a year now — and last week I met her parents for the first time. And, fuck me, her mother is an absolute dog! Now I can hardly look at my girl, in case I see the resemblance. Is it a 100% cert that girls turn into their mothers? What am I going to do?’

Chris, from Ipswich

Apart from buy a licence? Oh, give the girl a chance. Who knows, maybe daddy’s genes will see her right. But at the first hint of a tail, do run… Love you!

‘I go to art evening classes and have met a really sweet, creative girl there who’s an artist. I think she’s attracted to me too, but she’s at least 10 years younger than me. My friends reckon the age-gap is too big and a relationship just wouldn’t work. What do you think? Should I forget about her or should I let her know how I feel?’

Patrick, from Oxford

Age, sweet Paddy, is just a number. It’s life experiences, shared values and common beliefs that build a good relationship — not dates of birth. There are no guarantees, of course, but that is true even if you’re the same age. So, no, you shouldn’t dismiss her just because of her age. You should dismiss her because she’s a naive flake who thinks her ‘talent’ will earn her a living. And she most probably sniffs paint thinner to get her kicks. Hope I’ve helped!